The Challenge no-one talks about: social anxiety as a new parent

Mental health

Jan 27

Becoming a parent can be daunting for anyone. You are learning who you now are as a person, with the new identity of ‘parent’ to your bundle of joy.

Leaving the house takes organization, packing and effort. You’re exhausted, possibly feeling vulnerable - so it can become tempting to avoid leaving the house.

However, when does staying at home stop being a normal routine of a new parent, and become a coping mechanism for a deeper issue of social anxiety?

In this article, we explore the impact of having a newborn on your mental health, how to identify social anxiety and how to start taking control of your anxiety.

If you find being a new parent difficult, you are not alone

Research by Tommy’s found that 1 in 5 women are diagnosed with a mental health condition in their first year after childbirth. This is only reporting on the people who have been diagnosed, so the actual figure of people struggling with their mental health will be greater than this.

After childbirth, alongside the challenge of learning how to become a parent, you will also have changing hormones, and physical recovery; alongside your child who may be struggling to feed, or sleep, or they may be experiencing reflux, and potential issues that can take their toll on your mental and physical well being.

This is absolutely normal. Finding it difficult doesn't mean that you aren’t a good parent. In fact, it means that you are part of a large club of people who are all struggling with the life-changing milestone of having a baby.

So, when does this start to become a problem?

Parental mental health after childbirth

Childbirth isn’t easy. Looking after a baby isn’t easy. Even if they’re healthy, feeding well, sleeping well, generally content - you can still struggle, and that’s totally OK.

When looking at all parents, according to research by Tommy’s, the number of women diagnosed with a mental health condition in that first year is 1 in 5.

However, if you have had a rockier start to new parent life, and your baby is admitted into neonatal care - this has a larger impact on your mental health.

The charity Bliss found in their latest parent mental health survey that 39% of parents felt they had developed a mental health condition after their experience in the neonatal unit, with 23% of parents being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

It’s an issue being identified and spoken about more and more, with campaigns such as Parent Mental Health Awareness Day on January 27th 2023 aiming to improve understanding, conversations, and support for parents who are struggling.

It’s not just anxiety that new parents experience. The most common mental health conditions that new parents are diagnosed with are postnatal depression, PTSD, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

The key to recovery, and to enjoying your new life as a parent is through identifying what you are struggling with and getting the help that you need.

Experiencing social anxiety with a newborn

How can you tell if you are struggling with social anxiety, rather than general, or postnatal anxiety?

Clinical Psychologist, Dr Stuart Linke, advises that if you remove other people from your environment - e.g. by not leaving your home - does this relieve your anxiety? If the answer to this is yes, then it is likely that you are experiencing social anxiety.

If you already experienced social anxiety pre-childbirth, then it’s possible that your anxiety will be heightened now that you are also responsible for your child whilst out in public. However, social anxiety can also be triggered by this big life change.

It’s understandable to feel apprehensive about being out in public with a baby - you may have to feed in public, which could feel intimidating and private; you may be faced with soiled clothes, explosive nappies, vomiting or excessive crying, and find that it’s harder to manage these situations without your home comforts, processes, and gadgets to hand.

You may feel that people pay more attention to you, or judge your parenting negatively whilst you are in social situations.

If you start to notice that you are specifically avoiding going out to public places and social occasions because of this anxiety, that you are overthinking social situations, or if it’s preventing you from bonding with your child, then it’s time to start taking back control.

Tips for managing your social anxiety

Social anxiety can occur on a spectrum - almost all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. When you notice that you are beginning to struggle with your social anxiety, there are a number of self-help techniques that you can try in order to tackle getting out and about with your baby.

1 - Buddy up

It can be incredibly intimidating arriving at a playgroup, baby class, or postnatal group without knowing anyone. Choose one person to be your ‘buddy’ and start to get out and about with that one safe person. Ideally, choose someone else who also has their child with them, so that the support is peer support rather than getting help with your baby, as this can increase your anxieties around leaving the house with your child on your own.

2 - Prep for going out the night before

When you have so much preparation to do in order to leave the house, it can feel like a great excuse to avoid going out. However, if you prepare as much as possible the night before then you’re halfway there already.

If you have bottles and dummies, try to keep a few sterilized and clean to one side so that they don’t get swept up in the night feeds and can quickly be packed up when you’re about to leave.

Have the car seat, blankets, stroller, hat and comforters by the front door ready to use. Things to easily pack the day before include: spare clothes, nappies, toys, and any snacks for the trip.

Create a checklist on your phone for everything that you find helpful to take with you to leave the house - then you can run through the checklist before you leave, helping you feel assured that you haven’t forgotten anything, and reminding you to take anything with you that you know you found useful previously.

3 - Identify the difference between being anxious, and needing rest

There will be some occasions (and these may be quite regular), when it is the right thing for you and your baby to stay at home. Maybe you’ve had a worse night than usual, you or your baby are unwell, the weather is particularly bad, or other reasons mean that it can absolutely be the right choice to stay in the comfort of your home.

This does not mean that you have failed. Instead, you need to identify when you are avoiding leaving the house due to anxiety, and when you are choosing to stay at home for self-care. It’s an important difference to be aware of.

4 - Don’t over face yourself with too many groups and plans

It may sound obvious, but having a child is tiring - and there are a lot of options out there for baby classes, new mum groups and lunch dates with friends. It can be tempting to assume that you’re going to be absolutely fine getting out and about and fill your diary with too many plans.

However, this can be where it all starts to get a bit too much. Instead, take your time and ease yourself in.

Just go out for one baby class once you’re ready, and build it up from there. Take it at a slow pace and you can always go back a step and build it up again.

Babies go through development phases where you may feel that you’re on top of it all and can get out and about one minute, and then the next week feel like you’re back at square one - that’s normal, just take each day at a time.

5 - If you’re struggling in the moment with social anxiety, focus solely on your child, and not on the other people in the room

If you find yourself starting to get anxious whilst you are out, focus on your child and their needs, and reassure yourself that you are doing a brilliant job being out and about with your child. Bring back your focus, become present, nd try to take note of everything about your child.

Understand your personal brain patterns and get personalized therapy to treat your social anxiety

If you find that you are struggling with social anxiety, the most effective way of treating the condition is through targeted therapy.

The Alena app uses neuroscience-based assessments to identify your specific brain patterns that drive your social anxiety, and provides a personalized online therapy based around those patterns. It’s all accessible on your phone, so you can get help whilst at home feeding or during a nap.

User’s have found that their social anxiety improves within 4 weeks of using the app for 15 minutes a day. There’s no waiting list, no fear of judgment from a therapist, and no concerns around childcare or logistics.